I am so glad that it's 2013! I want this year to be the best! In review of my Facebook posts, I ran across this. "Something I learned from a Siberian: It's easier to pull the load after you reach the top of the hill." I think I've done a lot of climbing to get to a place where the load may be easier, and the view more beautiful. I firmly believe that in order to really appreciate the view from the top, you have to have come up from the valleys. The difficult path on the way to the top allows you to appreciate the peaceful stillness at the mountain's peak. As you stop to rest and look down the slope of the mountain, you see places that may have been traversed more easily, rivers that you forded perfectly, tricky spots that caused you great delay and even places that you really enjoyed along the way. All of those pieces of the puzzle, they must fit together, and somehow they are more picturesque when you have taken more than a few steps away from them. You begin to see the beauty of the individual moments as they are now woven together in the tapestry of your life. It's not a single thread, but a multitude of them that make the design grow before your eyes.
So after you've reached the top of the mountain, what then? Do you begin to plant down roots and stay awhile? Do you travel on down the other side of the mountain to see what's around the bend? I am not sure what direction my life is going, but I believe it's a journey that I am still on, one that will continue to take me to new plateaus and increasing "scenic views." The year 2013 will bring new challenges and refreshing moments of happiness. I will make it happen with my new little buddy, my sweet Sebastian, who has grown to be my new companion on my journey. He is a reliable soul, young and energetic. Together, we will forge ahead.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Feeling Lost: Lots of Loss
The year 2012 was supposed to be the best year ever according to me and my now ex=boyfriend. January left me unscathed, but in February my dear sweet Skylar was lost to me. My best girlfriend moved to Kansas City and shortly after that, two of my next closest gal pals moved, one to Austin and the other to London. So, having my best girlfriend move would have been an adjustment, but it was loosing Skylar and not having my FRIENDS here that made everything a bit more painful than normal. A week after loosing Skylar there was an anonymous letter sent to my boss full of lies and largely exaggerated examples of how unprofessional I am. I have always regarded myself as very professional, bordering on cold rather than too familiar. This set me to more tears and I began to feel like work wasn't the haven I had thought it to be. Under the circumstances it had been my one piece of "normal." Then Chris brought Sebastian to me, and I felt sad about my loss of Skylar, but I tried to love Sebastian and I equated him with my new relationship with Chris, the newness of my life, and that I was going to be okay. Work continued to be trying as the year began to wind down. I had already lost my "team" at the start of the year with the exception of Robyn, my team leader. I clung to Chris, Sebastian, and Robyn. and I got back into running, something that I thought was going to be a permanent loss, but that I regained.
I started to think that things were getting back on track. Then one day, Robyn called and had news about a new job offer she had received. I was so happy for her, and I encouraged her to take the position even though I knew it would leave me alone on my team. I went to bed sad about it, as well as nervous about what I considered the distinct possibility that I would be asked to be the team leader for next year, but on the way to work I talked to Chris about it and he made me feel so much better about things. He said it was my opportunity to be a leader, have more responsibility and to grow professionally. When I got to work, my boss called me in to talk to me about what things would look like because of the change. She was bringing in others to the team, and one of them would be the team leader.
I was stunned. Never would I have suspected that she would pass me over for the lead position when I had 7 years experience at that school. I asked why I was passed over for the position. "I didn't know you were interested in it," was the reply. Really? When was I supposed to do that? I had only found out the night before! I asked to be on the transfer list and was given some feedback that I found unhelpful and fairly discouraging. I had been looking for a way for this new loss to be a positive in my life and that was now clearly not going to happen. A week later I did have that answer. I am moving to a different school to work for someone I have worked for before. I am happy about the possibilities, but it is another type of loss. I am changing schools, moving away from familiar faces and routines.
Then I hit rock bottom, or so I thought. I got the dreaded, "We need to talk." Without going into detail, Chris wanted to end the relationship. It hurt. It still hurts. I really love him. He hasn't been unkind, and the reason, without divulging our private affairs, is not something egregious. Not long after, my grandfather went to hospice, and the family started traveling in to say their good-byes. I prepared for another loss. I didn't want to face this without Chris at my side. At some point I realized I needed some help from my therapist. I made an appointment and even made an appointment with a psychiatrist to see if some new meds or stronger ones could help. I was loosing a lot of weight, and I felt like I couldn't eat, and I was sleeping poorly. I was nervous and sick to my stomach all the time. The Psychiatrist couldn't see me for 4 weeks. I hoped I could make it. I was having scary thoughts, bad thoughts, but I was doing all of the right things. I was getting help. I was safe. God had given me a temporary room mate to help me function.
When my grandfather passed away I wanted so badly to call Chris and have him be there for me. I emailed the news to him and we talked. I was a mess, 100% devastated. Loosing my grandfather was better for him, he would go to Heaven and no longer be in pain. Not having Chris there to support me made the loss that much more pungent.
We buried PawPaw on Memorial Day weekend. The viewing was Friday and the funeral was Saturday. I was with family the whole weekend and came home on Sunday, exhausted and terribly sad. I had wished for Chris to be by my side. I had hoped to hear from him. I went to bed tearful and tired after posting on Facebook a message about how I didn't feel like God wanted to be happy, how He was taking everything away from me.
I awoke to the doorbell ringing. It rang twice and I ignored it. Then I heard banging on my back door. I looked out the window and there were four policemen standing there. I went down and spoke to them. Here is the short version of this story.
I'm already fragile and sad, now I'm scared. One officer asks if I'm sad, tells me a friend of mine saw my FB post and thought I would cause harm to myself. They were going to take me willing or not. The officer told me I'd get to see a doctor 2 weeks early of my appointment, but that I'd need a ride later to be picked up. The whole thing was surreal. I ended up going because he pretty much let me know that I could go voluntarily or I could go in-voluntarily. I went. They were parked out front, so my neighbors could see me getting hauled off, in hand-cuffs like a criminal. The officer took me to a facility that scared me out of my mind, it was filled with criminally psychotic people, dangerous and scary looking people. I was now terrified as well as sad. I asked repeatedly to be allowed to leave, knowing I had come in "voluntarily." They wouldn't let me leave. I was strip searched. I don't want to even tell about what it was like there. Suffice it to say that it was awful. I sobbed and sobbed. I kept thinking they would have to let me go in 24 hours, but they didn't. They strapped my to a gurney and transferred me to another hospital. Another strip search. They would let me wear my hoodie even though I had already removed the "dangerous" string. My shirt was kinda sheer and they wanted me to remove my bra because it was an underwire bra. They said I could hurt myself with it. I was begging them to allow me some sense of dignity.
I refused to sign paperwork. Chris and my mom, dad, and sister came to visit me for the hour visitation allowed. They wouldn't even let me read the book my sister brought me because it was a hard back and, "someone could gouge out someone's eyeballs with it! Really! I was scared, sad, tired and confused. I was worried about missing the last week of school. I was worried about missing the kids' graduation. I felt like if I stayed there too long I would go nuts.
It took some doing, and perhaps some threats from my father to get the hospital to discharge me. I felt like I was in prison. I suppose that was the rock bottom that I had thought I had already hit.
I'm home now, but I am still tired, sad, and I think about Chris all of the time. I want things to go back to the way they were, and there is still an ounce of hope for that. Love hopes all things.
I have lost a lot in 2012. I'm not writing this to get pity, but I think to understand what I am going through, someone needs to know the whole story. Writing about things helps me sort out my thoughts. It is a type of therapy for me. Friends, call me. Invite me. Distract me. I may not reach out, but I need you. I do NOT need someone to call the cops on me! Help me by being my friend.
I started to think that things were getting back on track. Then one day, Robyn called and had news about a new job offer she had received. I was so happy for her, and I encouraged her to take the position even though I knew it would leave me alone on my team. I went to bed sad about it, as well as nervous about what I considered the distinct possibility that I would be asked to be the team leader for next year, but on the way to work I talked to Chris about it and he made me feel so much better about things. He said it was my opportunity to be a leader, have more responsibility and to grow professionally. When I got to work, my boss called me in to talk to me about what things would look like because of the change. She was bringing in others to the team, and one of them would be the team leader.
I was stunned. Never would I have suspected that she would pass me over for the lead position when I had 7 years experience at that school. I asked why I was passed over for the position. "I didn't know you were interested in it," was the reply. Really? When was I supposed to do that? I had only found out the night before! I asked to be on the transfer list and was given some feedback that I found unhelpful and fairly discouraging. I had been looking for a way for this new loss to be a positive in my life and that was now clearly not going to happen. A week later I did have that answer. I am moving to a different school to work for someone I have worked for before. I am happy about the possibilities, but it is another type of loss. I am changing schools, moving away from familiar faces and routines.
Then I hit rock bottom, or so I thought. I got the dreaded, "We need to talk." Without going into detail, Chris wanted to end the relationship. It hurt. It still hurts. I really love him. He hasn't been unkind, and the reason, without divulging our private affairs, is not something egregious. Not long after, my grandfather went to hospice, and the family started traveling in to say their good-byes. I prepared for another loss. I didn't want to face this without Chris at my side. At some point I realized I needed some help from my therapist. I made an appointment and even made an appointment with a psychiatrist to see if some new meds or stronger ones could help. I was loosing a lot of weight, and I felt like I couldn't eat, and I was sleeping poorly. I was nervous and sick to my stomach all the time. The Psychiatrist couldn't see me for 4 weeks. I hoped I could make it. I was having scary thoughts, bad thoughts, but I was doing all of the right things. I was getting help. I was safe. God had given me a temporary room mate to help me function.
When my grandfather passed away I wanted so badly to call Chris and have him be there for me. I emailed the news to him and we talked. I was a mess, 100% devastated. Loosing my grandfather was better for him, he would go to Heaven and no longer be in pain. Not having Chris there to support me made the loss that much more pungent.
We buried PawPaw on Memorial Day weekend. The viewing was Friday and the funeral was Saturday. I was with family the whole weekend and came home on Sunday, exhausted and terribly sad. I had wished for Chris to be by my side. I had hoped to hear from him. I went to bed tearful and tired after posting on Facebook a message about how I didn't feel like God wanted to be happy, how He was taking everything away from me.
I awoke to the doorbell ringing. It rang twice and I ignored it. Then I heard banging on my back door. I looked out the window and there were four policemen standing there. I went down and spoke to them. Here is the short version of this story.
I'm already fragile and sad, now I'm scared. One officer asks if I'm sad, tells me a friend of mine saw my FB post and thought I would cause harm to myself. They were going to take me willing or not. The officer told me I'd get to see a doctor 2 weeks early of my appointment, but that I'd need a ride later to be picked up. The whole thing was surreal. I ended up going because he pretty much let me know that I could go voluntarily or I could go in-voluntarily. I went. They were parked out front, so my neighbors could see me getting hauled off, in hand-cuffs like a criminal. The officer took me to a facility that scared me out of my mind, it was filled with criminally psychotic people, dangerous and scary looking people. I was now terrified as well as sad. I asked repeatedly to be allowed to leave, knowing I had come in "voluntarily." They wouldn't let me leave. I was strip searched. I don't want to even tell about what it was like there. Suffice it to say that it was awful. I sobbed and sobbed. I kept thinking they would have to let me go in 24 hours, but they didn't. They strapped my to a gurney and transferred me to another hospital. Another strip search. They would let me wear my hoodie even though I had already removed the "dangerous" string. My shirt was kinda sheer and they wanted me to remove my bra because it was an underwire bra. They said I could hurt myself with it. I was begging them to allow me some sense of dignity.
I refused to sign paperwork. Chris and my mom, dad, and sister came to visit me for the hour visitation allowed. They wouldn't even let me read the book my sister brought me because it was a hard back and, "someone could gouge out someone's eyeballs with it! Really! I was scared, sad, tired and confused. I was worried about missing the last week of school. I was worried about missing the kids' graduation. I felt like if I stayed there too long I would go nuts.
It took some doing, and perhaps some threats from my father to get the hospital to discharge me. I felt like I was in prison. I suppose that was the rock bottom that I had thought I had already hit.
I'm home now, but I am still tired, sad, and I think about Chris all of the time. I want things to go back to the way they were, and there is still an ounce of hope for that. Love hopes all things.
I have lost a lot in 2012. I'm not writing this to get pity, but I think to understand what I am going through, someone needs to know the whole story. Writing about things helps me sort out my thoughts. It is a type of therapy for me. Friends, call me. Invite me. Distract me. I may not reach out, but I need you. I do NOT need someone to call the cops on me! Help me by being my friend.
Monday, April 23, 2012
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...
A close friend of mine reminded me that my life has had many changes here of late. I'm in a new house and I have a new and wonderful man in my life. I have a new hobby, running. I have changed from the woman I was six years ago. She thinks that Sebastian is somewhat an icon to represent the new me, the younger, although not in years, more vivacious, more LIVING me. I suppose he represents the newness that life brings, and that new things can be scary and wonderful at the same time. I still miss my Skylar. He was my comfort for so long, he brought so much joy to me, and my hope is that he is doing that for someone else today. He represents my foundations, solidarity, my beliefs and all that is good from my past; he is the memories I want to hold on to forever.
Sebastian and I have started having some really good days. He doesn't yank all of the toilet paper off of the roll anymore. He lets me know when he needs to go outside, sometimes to potty and sometimes just to get a stick to chew on. He sleeps through the night. When I say "kennel time" with a treat in my hand, he heads towards the kennel compliantly. Walks have begun to feel like a bonding time rather than a frustration. He sits for his food and water to be placed before him, and he hasn't tried to eat my food or even beg. Wow, great job little Sebastian! I had to realize today that he is doing so many things well. Of course, we still have a long way to go, and that is when puppy kindergarten will come in very handy starting in a few weeks.
All this to say, I have had to rethink my relationship with Sebastian. He has met some milestones that I can only be grateful for. Like I said, the new in our lives can be exhilarating or frightening, or a combination of the two. Do I want my Skylar back? Of course, but I also know I can't wait on that to happen to start enjoying certain parts of my life again, you know, the part with a new puppy...
Skylar in my life was the best of times, and losing him was the worst. Beginning again with a new puppy seemed like it would be the worst of times, alas, only at times, and yet I believe, that as Frank Sinatra sang in his last public performance, the best is yet to come.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
(W)hole in my Heart
Chris and I never found Skylar. I still look for him all the time online hoping somehow that someone will suddenly post his presence while simultaneously telling myself that he has found a new loving home, a hope that I cling to in an effort to ease the pain of losing him.
On February 20th something bad happened at work for me personally. I had just started to pull myself together after Skylar's disappearance, and then I was violently thrust into a sickening spiral of worry, fear and anger. Honestly, I am still not over it all. Times have been very tough in 2012. So, on this roughest day, I drove to Chris' house to take Axle back over there. He said he had a surprise for me. When I walked into the kitchen he said, "There's someone I'd like you to meet." It was a Siberian Husky, mostly a creamy white with beautiful blue eyes. I decided to name him Sebastian, a name I've always liked, and later I added the middle name of Tikkani because I wanted him to have part of his name to mean wolf. Tikkani is a native Alaskan word for wolf. Skylar looked like a little wolf puppy when I got him, so his middle name was Wolfgang. Siberians are mistaken for wolves quite often, in fact, I've already been questioned by a guy driving by Sebastian and me who rolled down his window to shout out, "Is that a wolf pup?" Really dude? People walk wolves around on leashes?
I believe Sebastian brought me my first legitimate laugh after loosing Skylar. He is so cute, and I love petting him. The darling way he pounces on his greenies or other toys is adorable. He gets so excited about certain things. Potty training has been going pretty well, although there are some accidents I just don't get. There was also the time he pooped and peed in the backseat of the car. What a mess! We have had moments of sheer frustration. I have to admit, he has tested my patience beyond belief. What makes it all the more difficult is that I have felt stressed since I lost Skylar, that was on February 7th. Then there is the stress at work. The one place I felt like I could put on a smile and forget, even the tiniest amount, about my fears for Skylar was turned into the place I most dreaded to be. I became fearful of going to work, fearful to create more cause for concern.
So, I have had Sebastian now for six weeks. He was eight weeks old when I got him, or so the people indicated when they said he was born the day after Christmas. I guess that means he will be 15 weeks old this coming Monday. The last couple of days have been better with Sebastian and me, he has been happily chewing on a rawhide bone and I have been happily curled up behind a book. I know I need to be getting the house cleaned, but it's hard to do stuff like that because Sebastian will follow me around, except when I want him to, and get into everything! It's hard to remember he is a puppy since he is so big! He was 22 pounds last month. I'm sure he has gained some weight, and he is taller by far than when I first got him. I already had to get a bigger kennel.
Skylar, I miss you more than I can express! Sebastian, I try in vain not to compare you to your sweet and sensitive, born to please brother. I try to remember you are young, and I ask for patience. Lots of it! I want to love you the way I loved my little SkySky. I do love you, but there is still a sadness that I can't erase. I want us to be best friends, but I still miss my little bestie. There is a hole in my heart, and all I want is Wholeness.
On February 20th something bad happened at work for me personally. I had just started to pull myself together after Skylar's disappearance, and then I was violently thrust into a sickening spiral of worry, fear and anger. Honestly, I am still not over it all. Times have been very tough in 2012. So, on this roughest day, I drove to Chris' house to take Axle back over there. He said he had a surprise for me. When I walked into the kitchen he said, "There's someone I'd like you to meet." It was a Siberian Husky, mostly a creamy white with beautiful blue eyes. I decided to name him Sebastian, a name I've always liked, and later I added the middle name of Tikkani because I wanted him to have part of his name to mean wolf. Tikkani is a native Alaskan word for wolf. Skylar looked like a little wolf puppy when I got him, so his middle name was Wolfgang. Siberians are mistaken for wolves quite often, in fact, I've already been questioned by a guy driving by Sebastian and me who rolled down his window to shout out, "Is that a wolf pup?" Really dude? People walk wolves around on leashes?
I believe Sebastian brought me my first legitimate laugh after loosing Skylar. He is so cute, and I love petting him. The darling way he pounces on his greenies or other toys is adorable. He gets so excited about certain things. Potty training has been going pretty well, although there are some accidents I just don't get. There was also the time he pooped and peed in the backseat of the car. What a mess! We have had moments of sheer frustration. I have to admit, he has tested my patience beyond belief. What makes it all the more difficult is that I have felt stressed since I lost Skylar, that was on February 7th. Then there is the stress at work. The one place I felt like I could put on a smile and forget, even the tiniest amount, about my fears for Skylar was turned into the place I most dreaded to be. I became fearful of going to work, fearful to create more cause for concern.
So, I have had Sebastian now for six weeks. He was eight weeks old when I got him, or so the people indicated when they said he was born the day after Christmas. I guess that means he will be 15 weeks old this coming Monday. The last couple of days have been better with Sebastian and me, he has been happily chewing on a rawhide bone and I have been happily curled up behind a book. I know I need to be getting the house cleaned, but it's hard to do stuff like that because Sebastian will follow me around, except when I want him to, and get into everything! It's hard to remember he is a puppy since he is so big! He was 22 pounds last month. I'm sure he has gained some weight, and he is taller by far than when I first got him. I already had to get a bigger kennel.
Skylar, I miss you more than I can express! Sebastian, I try in vain not to compare you to your sweet and sensitive, born to please brother. I try to remember you are young, and I ask for patience. Lots of it! I want to love you the way I loved my little SkySky. I do love you, but there is still a sadness that I can't erase. I want us to be best friends, but I still miss my little bestie. There is a hole in my heart, and all I want is Wholeness.
Monday, February 13, 2012
I hired a Search and Rescue dog, Bosko, to track Skylar. He tracked him to Lake Louisville and then to a neighborhood along the lake. He lost the scent in the middle of the street so we think he was picked up in a car. I am so hurt and sad. I cry all the time and I have been looking for him ceaselessly for a week tomorrow. This dog is my only child, my best friend, my baby. Dear God, please bring him back to me. I love him so much. Everyday I look for him, I think I hear him. I just want my baby back for Valentine's Day. That's all I want.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Fit 'N Healthy
So, in December of 2010 I was getting all dolled up to go to a party. It was a black and white event and I figured I had tons of cute outfits to choose from. I opened my closet and yes, there were lots of cute outfits. I began trying them on, and nothing fit! I decided that in January I would be one of those "Resolution" type people up at the gym. When I weighed in I was so disappointed!
I decided to do something about it. I took a good hard look at my eating habits. I wasn't really eating too much junk...OK, I was eating a lot of chocolate chip cookies! Other than that, I was simply eating too many calories. I downloaded and began to use MyFitnessPal which is a website and app that helps you figure out a calorie goal based on what is right for you and your weight loss goals. You record all of your dietary intake as well as any cardiovascular or strength training workouts. I also used a running app, C25K and then Bridge to 10k. The weight just melted off, about five pounds per month until I started running longer distances and lost more!
I'm so proud of my progress. It's not just about the fact that I lost 31 pounds and can get into my skinny jeans. I feel so much better! I actually want to be in the gym. When I walk into the gym, I go to Lifetime Fitness, I feel like I'm in my happy place. It's hard, and I sweat big time, but as a good friend of mine said, "You will never regret going to the gym. You will regret not going."
I am now training for a half marathon which will be on December 4, 2011. I've started training with longer runs, my longest, 9.3 miles. Looking back I never really thought I could do this, but I kept up the mantra, "If you don't try, you can't succeed." I started out barely being able to run for 2 minutes and now I run for an hour. Wow!
The marathon supports the Scottish Rites Hospital for Children. I am taking part in a fundraising effort to help support this worthy cause. If you would like to make a donation, please scroll to the bottom of my page. There is a form provided there. Thank you in advance to anyone who participates.
I decided to do something about it. I took a good hard look at my eating habits. I wasn't really eating too much junk...OK, I was eating a lot of chocolate chip cookies! Other than that, I was simply eating too many calories. I downloaded and began to use MyFitnessPal which is a website and app that helps you figure out a calorie goal based on what is right for you and your weight loss goals. You record all of your dietary intake as well as any cardiovascular or strength training workouts. I also used a running app, C25K and then Bridge to 10k. The weight just melted off, about five pounds per month until I started running longer distances and lost more!
I'm so proud of my progress. It's not just about the fact that I lost 31 pounds and can get into my skinny jeans. I feel so much better! I actually want to be in the gym. When I walk into the gym, I go to Lifetime Fitness, I feel like I'm in my happy place. It's hard, and I sweat big time, but as a good friend of mine said, "You will never regret going to the gym. You will regret not going."
I am now training for a half marathon which will be on December 4, 2011. I've started training with longer runs, my longest, 9.3 miles. Looking back I never really thought I could do this, but I kept up the mantra, "If you don't try, you can't succeed." I started out barely being able to run for 2 minutes and now I run for an hour. Wow!
The marathon supports the Scottish Rites Hospital for Children. I am taking part in a fundraising effort to help support this worthy cause. If you would like to make a donation, please scroll to the bottom of my page. There is a form provided there. Thank you in advance to anyone who participates.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Home Sweet Home
This past fall I really got tired of the noise at Austin Ranch, so I began in earnest to look for a house to buy. I wanted to be in my new home by Thanksgiving, and with only a few months to look, I thought I was being a little too industrious. However, after countless hours both online and in the car, I found a wonderful home to call mine. I moved in right after my birthday, the weekend before Thanksgiving. It was a great moment for me! Skylar has his own little yard. I have gotten my new home almost ready to have guests over, and I can't wait to have a house-warming party.
Right after Christmas, Skylar was diagnosed with skin cancer. His thyroid and liver were bad as well. I opted for cancer to remove the tumor, which was a huge financial drain, especially considering I just bought the house and pay more for it than my apartment. I love my little Skylar, and even things will be tough financially for awhile, it was worth it. He now has three daily medications and has been having some urination concerns, which seem to have cleared up a bit lately as long as I leave work as early as possible.
The other big news is that since January I have started a pretty strenuous workout and diet. I have lost about 12 pounds, and I am so excited! I have been using the same run program that my sister has used and recommended, C25K. I enjoy the competitiveness I have with the program! I am also meeting with a workout partner and that has helped me get to the gym more often. Now, the gym is my place of refuge and solace. It's one of the few places I can go to forget my worries.
School is hectic these days with TAKS right around the corner and layoffs looming overhead. There is apparently no money for education, and although it's more complex than that, it boils down to teachers losing their jobs. The uncertainty of the time make life more stressful than normal.
Of course, I myself have my own personal questions of uncertainty. Today I described my situation as something like a question long in the making, or something to that effect. It was more eloquent when I first uttered it. Anyway, life is about momentous times like buying houses, heart-breaking times balanced by difficult solutions like pulling together the money for your dog's surgery, small triumphant moments of meeting personal goals, and times of uncertainty both personal and global.
I am trying to keep an open mind most of all, open to the possibilities of what may happen and the paths my life my take me on. I am trying to figure things out of course, but find that choosing my own path is difficult. Right now I am taking things one day at a time, although the "planner" in me is having difficulty with that.
I pray for guidance, and for the wisdom to recognize the guidance as it comes, and the courage to follow through.
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