It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...

When I saw this frame I felt like I had to have it despite the feeling that buying it would somehow diminish my sliver of hope of finding Skylar.  Putting it together and looking at the finished product I began to cry for my dear sweet baby.  My little comforter, my new baby, Sebastian, came in close for a hug and licked my face.  


A close friend of mine reminded me that my life has had many changes here of late.  I'm in a new house and I have a new and wonderful man in my life.  I have a new hobby, running.  I have changed from the woman I was six years ago.  She thinks that Sebastian is somewhat an icon to represent the new me, the younger, although not in years, more vivacious, more LIVING me.  I suppose he represents the newness that life brings, and that new things can be scary and wonderful at the same time.  I still miss my Skylar.  He was my comfort for so long, he brought so much joy to me, and my hope is that he is doing that for someone else today.  He represents my foundations, solidarity, my beliefs and all that is good from my past; he is the memories I want to hold on to forever.  


Sebastian and I have started having some really good days.  He doesn't yank all of the toilet paper off of the roll anymore.  He lets me know when he needs to go outside, sometimes to potty and sometimes just to get a stick to chew on.  He sleeps through the night.  When I say "kennel time" with a treat in my hand, he heads towards the kennel compliantly.  Walks have begun to feel like a bonding time rather than a frustration.  He sits for his food and water to be placed before him, and he hasn't tried to eat my food or even beg.  Wow, great job little Sebastian!  I had to realize today that he is doing so many things well.  Of course, we still have a long way to go, and that is when puppy kindergarten will come in very handy starting in a few weeks.  


All this to say, I have had to rethink my relationship with Sebastian.  He has met some milestones that I can only be grateful for.  Like I said, the new in our lives can be exhilarating or frightening, or a combination of the two.  Do I want my Skylar back?  Of course, but I also know I can't wait on that to happen to start enjoying certain parts of my life again, you know, the part with a new puppy...


Skylar in my life was the best of times, and losing him was the worst.  Beginning again with a new puppy seemed like it would be the worst of times, alas, only at times, and yet I believe, that as Frank Sinatra sang in his last public performance, the best is yet to come. 

(W)hole in my Heart

Chris and I never found Skylar.  I still look for him all the time online hoping somehow that someone will suddenly post his presence while  simultaneously telling myself that he has found a new loving home, a hope that I cling to in an effort to ease the pain of losing him.

On February 20th something bad happened at work for me personally.  I had just started to pull myself together after Skylar's disappearance, and then I was violently thrust into a sickening spiral of worry, fear and anger.  Honestly, I am still not over it all.  Times have been very tough in 2012.  So, on this roughest day, I drove to Chris' house to take Axle back over there.  He said he had a surprise for me.  When I walked into the kitchen he said, "There's someone I'd like you to meet."  It was a Siberian Husky, mostly a creamy white with beautiful blue eyes.  I decided to name him Sebastian, a name I've always liked, and later I added the middle name of Tikkani because I wanted him to have part of his name to mean wolf.  Tikkani is a native Alaskan word for wolf.  Skylar looked like a little wolf puppy when I got him, so his middle name was Wolfgang.  Siberians are mistaken for wolves quite often, in fact, I've already been questioned by a guy driving by Sebastian and me who rolled down his window to shout out, "Is that a wolf pup?"  Really dude?  People walk wolves around on leashes?

I believe Sebastian brought me my first legitimate laugh after loosing Skylar.  He is so cute, and I love petting him.  The darling way he pounces on his greenies or other toys is adorable.  He gets so excited about certain things.  Potty training has been going pretty well, although there are some accidents I just don't get.  There was also the time he pooped and peed in the backseat of the car.  What a mess!  We have had moments of sheer frustration.  I have to admit, he has tested my patience beyond belief.  What makes it all the more difficult is that I have felt stressed since I lost Skylar, that was on February 7th.  Then there is the stress at work.  The one place I felt like I could put on a smile and forget, even the tiniest amount, about my fears for Skylar was turned into the place I most dreaded to be.  I became fearful of going to work, fearful to create more cause for concern.

So, I have had Sebastian now for six weeks.  He was eight weeks old when I got him, or so the people indicated when they said he was born the day after Christmas.  I guess that means he will be 15 weeks old this coming Monday.  The last couple of days have been better with Sebastian and me, he has been happily chewing on a rawhide bone and I have been happily curled up behind a book.  I know I need to be getting the house cleaned, but it's hard to do stuff like that because Sebastian will follow me around, except when I want him to, and get into everything!  It's hard to remember he is a puppy since he is so big!  He was 22 pounds last month.  I'm sure he has gained some weight, and he is taller by far than when I first got him.  I already had to get a bigger kennel.

Skylar, I miss you more than I can express!  Sebastian, I try in vain not to compare you to your sweet and sensitive, born to please brother.  I try to remember you are young, and I ask for patience.  Lots of it!  I want to love you the way I loved my little SkySky.  I do love you, but there is still a sadness that I can't erase.  I want us to be best friends, but I still miss my little bestie.  There is a hole in my heart, and all I want is Wholeness.